Got my groove on--- tough decisions---bad news--- all in one day!

Part 1: GOT MY GROOVE ON!!
Today I felt like crap-- so I thought maybe i should scrapbook since I haven't in a while. These are some of my fav. pics of Ryan and I! I LOVE HIM SOOO MUCH!! These are reminders to me of pre-sick (or not so sick) days. As long as I have known him I have struggled with some level of sickness- but for some reason when we were dating long distance it didn't carry as many symptoms. We were so good about taking pics then... I think cause we "did" stuff. Like went out!! Hopefully once I am better and we are involved somewhere we will snap many more photos! Love Ellie and Kara-- but can only scrap so many for the family.

Part 2: Gotta make some tough decisions.
Today I talked to Jeff (my sr.pastor) to tell him for sure that I would not be able to go on worktrip (our mission trip) & tell him that for right now since I don't know from day to day how I am going to feel I am not sure when I will be back to work-- but it's looking like at least a few more weeks. (probably after worktrip). Note: not sure why it hurt so much-- i think cause sometimes someone else saying the truth hurts more than you just wanting it for yourself.- does that make sense?
This is how the conversation went...
Ck- "I know there has been talk that I might be better by worktrip but I need you to know that is absolutly not a possibility- not with the state of my imune system, my diet , my health."

Jeff: " Oh I absolutly agree you need to work on getting better."

Ck- "Well that's the hard part- I don't know what the next step is"

Jeff: "well you need to look into long term disability throught the pention plan... but I don't think that's available to you the same way as it is for us. I think you need to be thinking long term though-- I don't think this is a healthy place for you to be. I feel a great sense of guilt about asking you to stay last spring when you resigned.... I feel that the stress and load that we have put on you has caused this to happen in your health. That was what you were trying to tell us last year and I didn't want you to go-- and for that I feel very guilty. (at this point I am crying cause he can't own that-- eventually i decided to stay thinking that God would make it work).

Ck- well I know. I think the stress has not helped me get better-- but being able to be away for this time has helped. And i really appreciate that.

Jeff:-- Well I don't have the answers to what your long term holds-- but I think you need to be thinking of if this is a place where you can stay healthy at. Until you decide that we will support you. Althought I don't know how long we can go without having someone working with the kids- but this time of year the focus is set and it's being taken care of. (he hears me sniffle and cry) and says I know that having a job change is a lot to think about in terms of lifestyle change in addition to all that is happening with your health.

Ck- Yea- but i know I need to take care of me and be healthy. And I have to make that decision.

we talked some more and he prayed-- then jokingly said he wouldn't bring me communion (since I can't have bread- haha)

Ryan says-- why was that so upsetting to you? That's what you want! I know but it's like breaking up with someone-- you might know it needs to happen but if they do it-- it sucks but if you do it at least you know you are the one who made the choice. Does that make sense?

Soooo- he told me to work on that while I worked on getting better. I just think it's still hard for me to accept his graciousness. That is not what I get from my actual boss there and Jeff is the real one who is honest-- and cares sooo much. He is the one who I don't want to let down, hurt, or leave hanging.=== but he knows what's best and so do I- it's just hard!

So- it's too the job boards I go!

Part 3: bad news--
Ryan's mom called in a panic (that's the only time she calls me- usually she calls ryan). Dan (ryan's dad) lost his job today. They downsized and out he and several others went. Ryan talked to his dad- who seems to be more optimistic- some of the guys seemed to maybe have some leads on consulting work for him. But they can't afford for him to be without a job. I tried to put a possitive spin on it for her- but as would be natural- she was in a bit of shock and really upset

Please pray for us as we go though these many transitions-- it's not just things that effect me but things that effect US! Thanks for reading! Sorry such a long post!

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