I want a cool blog-- but this isn't it

I want a cool blog but this isn't it. Yes I know it's 3 in the morning- I am wide awake- can't sleep AT ALL!! So I am surfing the net trying to figure out how to make those cool headers or even do things like linke to others blogs on the side bar. GRRR. Anywho- I thought I had the link thing- but instead I took them all away- OPPS. :) Oh well. That's God telling me to go to bed.

talk to you later.
ck

"love wins"

Ok - I have been reading through blogs today. I find such inspiriation in it sometimes- usually lots of laughter too. It makes me reminded that the majority of the world is made up of "real" people.

Today I wanted to share something with you. I was reading Elsie Flannigan's Blog and found a comment that led me to this blog. Greta (this blogger) has an amazing insight into the heart of what Christiantiy should be.

It reminds me of Rob's sermons and makes me and Ryan continue to long to be in a place that embraces love!

Those are my thoughts that I was inspired by- I hope they inspire you too. Thanks Greta!

ck

New Hope

I've got a new hope.

Well It's not really new- but re-discovered. I've had a lot of time to think since I have been sick. Which can be bad sometimes - but in my case it's bee somewhat helpful.

I've decided to own- grow in- the real me. The real me that I was just a few years ago... the real me that somewhere - for some reason has been washed away by lies and discouraged by diception of believe in thoughts that are not of God.

So here is the new me.

I am not going to be controled by aspiring for or desiring "things"-
but content in relationships I have and be passionate about loving others unselfishly. Seeking solid friendships grounded on faith - honesty and life .

I am going to fight against the identity I have created within myself that I am my job, my finances, and my roles. But instead- discover and celebrate that I am a masterpiece of God- one he created- he loves -and that is what I live for.

Today I start again- knowing that I have been set free by a God who loves me- desires the best for me and can't wait to show me what's around the next corner.

ck

OUt for some God given air

Well I am out to search for renewal outside. I am going for a walk. It's beautiful out and I can't stand just being inside and even having the windows open. I wanna get out (this is a big yay for me).

Kel- THanks for the reminder of Good Friday and our freedom in CHrist. I needed to be reminded that God doesn't want us to be in pain. (I knew that - but in the context of my situation and this weekend it has a whole new weekend).

I am off to breath fresh life giving air.
ck

An Awakening

So yesterday I did something different. I turned off the TV- I cranked the praise music- I danced I breathed deeply, I wept, I praised, I questioned, I did some seeking, I had a discovery.

In the midst of the past few years- I realized what one of the biggest sources for my depression has been. (THIS IS NOT A CLAIM FOR A PITTY PARTY- I"M JUST SHARING MY DISCOVERY). You see growing up I was always someone that people wanted to be around. People told me I was full of life. I was energetic, I was happy and in turn I had friends- people would invite me to things, I would have a lot on my plate. In college it was the same. Part of who I am is that I love to give- I have been an encrouager, a host, a creative push, and never with the motive of getting anything in return. (but I guess it came back naturally anyway) . Over the past few years I have poured myself into others. Wheither it be teenagers, peers, even myself. But I haven't felt that I was a part of somethign bigger that I didn't innitiate.

Before I offend my dearest most faithful friends let me explain. I have had family who wants to do something, or a friend who wants to go to coffee or catch up on life, but it's just us. If I want to be with a group of people I have to host it- put it together and then hope that people want to show up-- and over the past year or so-- people just havent' wanted to- or they have less and less. That's an indication to me that I am getting away from myself.

Then I started thinking about it. (this all started Maria from your blog about the oscar party- what fun!) I don't even know people around here who do fun stuff. Around here it's work work work-- no time for fun. I guess Ryan and Heidi do fun stuff a lot. But I have friends who live in less crazy speed places and that's what they do-- they are part of community. It's natural.

So-- I am still thinkin about this but I feel as though this was a big awakening. Ryan and I had a good discussion about it. We need to be part of a community- something that we can just be at-- not carry on our shoulders (which right now I feel everything I do I carry the whole thing- if it fails or succeeds it's on me.)

I praise God for this discovery. I am hoping for more reflective insight today. Thanks for your prayers. I love you all and PRAISE GOD FOR YOUR FRIENDSHIP AND SUPPORT!! Jeff is coming over to bring me communion and have some prayer with me today. I just wish Ryan could be here too.

M- I will talk to you this weekend. E- I am callin you now. if you are working- call me tonight.

Still no news... but a new idea

We went back to the neurologist yesterday- we thought maybe since he called us in that he had an answer.... no. Basically they did my spinal tap in such a way that gave them inaccurate pressures. If they do it again they will have to do it differnt and under xray cause I am too fat... however that is part of the problem-- it's also not helping that I just keep gaining weight since I have been home. It's soo frustrating.

Anyway after the Dr. I stoped by work yesterday to get my w2's so we could file taxes. We also wanted to tell the staff the latest word. Rony (one of our pastors) offered to do a relaxation/prayer / healing thing on me. He I am game for anything. so last night we went back to her house and I spent an hour laying on a masage table as she layed her hands on different parts of my body, praying as I did the same. It was the strangest thing I have ever done but relaxing and at one point when she was holding my head I felt like liquid was pouring out of all my poors on my head. It was so crazy.

But here is my new Idea. I know i need to relax. But as she was holding different parts of my body I was praying for what I wanted God to do wtih those parts. Everything from my head to my hand, to my shoulder, feet and belly. Kelli this is spiraling off your idea of journaling. I am going to make a journal of me and each day I am going to focus on "giving up" to God one part of my body. I realized last night that I even want to pray for my ovaries-- that they will make babies some day. That my hands will be hands that love, serve and spread joy. That my brain will be one that thinks clearly but more importatly has thoughts of compasssion, joy-- LIke the thoughts that used to flow soooo freely from me. So that's my project. To sketch, and journal me-- in all my hopes and dreams.

I think that's the most real way for me to give it up & Pray for His healing and guidance.

ck

Latest update

Hey guys and gals-- sorry I have nothing interesting to post on here recently--- I just lay at home and sleep and watch tv and try to not think about the ache all over my body.

Now we have the neurologist concerned that I have a headache still. He called and said he wants to see me tomorrow..... so off we go- hopefully we get some answers.

I am determined that I have cushings syndrom which has to do with your hormones being all out of whack-- which mine have been for a year and nothing has worked google it- there is all kinds of info. And I think all that is causing this headache--- and the fact that I just am so anxious about everything! I want to learn to let go-- but for some reason I can't and I wish I could. I am just not me anymore and I want to be the happy person that I know I have been in the past and somewhere over the last few years has been shoved into somewhere and burried.

Just keep prayin!

ck

One year - the best and worst in so many ways

Yesterday was our 1yr anniversary! It was great to spend the day with Ryan and I. He awakend me with rosses and breakfast in bed- then we went to worship at woodside. It was so good to be singin praises even when my heart and body are aching.
So today instead of watching tv-- i turned up the praise. I poped in my third day cd and just wanted to sing this from the depths of my lungs.

"HOw many times have I gone astray, the number is the same as the sands on the shore, and now you say you'll do it once more. Please take from me my life when i don't have the strength to give it away to you Jesus."


This year has been the first of many amazing and I am sure at times trying years with Ryan and I together. Health wise it has been miserable. One thing after another gradually spiraling downward. I feel so blessed that Ryan, my family and friends have been by my side the whole way. I just pray that we can give my life to God = more and more everyday- to rely on him to be the center - the foundation of many more years to come.

ck